When I was 18, I thought the biggest measure of success was an editorial byline. If I could secure articles with cool publications, I\u2019d be considered a good writer. At 21, I was obsessed with the idea of moving out of home, finding a boyfriend and traversing Europe. At 23, I wanted to start my own business and take a leap of faith. I\u2019ve since accomplished all these things that I thought would make me complete, and yet here I am at 26 with an even longer list of \u2018milestones\u2019 to hit next.<\/p>\n
I should know by now that even the most perfected plans for my future will be rewritten countless times. All of the proverbial checkboxes we imagine ourselves to reach are rarely seamless, all-encompassing or everlasting. And that pressure we feel to \u2018achieve\u2019 can obliterate the magic in the journey.<\/p>\n
The phenomenon can be referred to as \u2018milestone anxiety\u2019 \u2014 a term coined to describe the stress-y itch one feels to tick off Big Life Things in order to be fulfilled, happy, and deemed successful. In the context of this article, I\u2019m fixated on the mid-to-late 20\u2019s and the early 30\u2019s angst that tends to follow a very clich\u00e9d narrative. These are the years that we\u2019re in a constant state of tug-of-war with what all-important chapter to enter next, especially<\/em> as women.<\/p>\n Is it a move abroad in our 20\u2019s like Mel Robbins<\/a> mandates? Do we strive for home-ownership? Is self-sacrificing to run a self-funded business the way to go? Maybe a ring and a wedding and a slew of other tactfully paraded events? Is the biological clock ticking? You get the gist.<\/p>\n “All of the proverbial checkboxes we imagine ourselves to reach are rarely seamless, all-encompassing or everlasting. And that pressure we feel to \u2018achieve\u2019 can obliterate the magic in the journey.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n I spoke to EFT therapist Natalie Claire King<\/a> about why milestone anxiety is so prevalent today. With social media persistently showcasing the highlight reels of our peers, friends, and idols, I wanted to know whether it\u2019s possible to refrain from comparison \u2014 both within our inner circles and broader societal pressures. According to King, it\u2019s \u201cnot easy\u201d.<\/p>\n \u201cWe live in a wild world where so much is shared and at the same time, a lot of the more vulnerable parts of our lives are kept offline. When we\u2019re scrolling, we\u2019re taking in a heavy dose of people\u2019s positive moments, celebrations and achievements because they\u2019re fun to share and engage in, so why not! But it\u2019s helpful to keep in mind that life isn\u2019t meant to be smooth sailing and even celebrities get served their plate of tough times.\u201d<\/p>\n So, when navigating our next move through life\u2019s trajectory, how can we know that what we’re doing is for ourselves, rather than for the sake of external validation or approval? King prompts us to question, \u201cdoes it make you<\/em> happy? Does it light you<\/em> up?\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019m seriously contemplating getting a dog with my partner \u2014 a fluffy entity to elevate my long-term relationship and turn us into quasi-parents, forcing me to care for and devote myself to something totally outside of myself. We\u2019re also saving for a new home, even though we\u2019re comfortable with the current one we\u2019re in.<\/p>\n I wonder why I am so fixated on these attainments when our living situation and general circumstances are cosy, but not primed for a chaotic little child-simulator to be thrown into the mix. When I ask myself \u201cwhy\u201d I really<\/em> want this dog or the next abode, I know it stems from something deeper: binding us irrevocably together, giving us a shared purpose, and showing this to the world. I\u2019m beyond excited for these plans, but I\u2019m trying to get better at having conscious \u2018check-ins\u2019 with myself before making life-altering decisions.<\/p>\n King echoes this, suggesting we start getting curious about where these desires are actually coming from.\u201cWhen you tune in and strip away what others will think \u2014 family, friends, co-workers, even that d-bag ex you secretly still want to impress \u2014 what are you left with? If it\u2019s a calm, grounded pull, it\u2019s a green light. But if it\u2019s a panicked, \u2018this will make me worthy\u2019 spiral, slow down. That path leads to a never-ending cycle of people-pleasing.\u201d<\/p>\n There is no guarantee<\/em> of hitting life\u2019s milestones, or the anticipated dopamine hit from reaching them. It makes me think the \u2018in between\u2019 bits are the really important ones. I\u2019m not diminishing the power of our ambitions or the magnitude of hope, I\u2019m just suggesting the \u201cI\u2019ve made it\u201d goalpost is always going to keep moving, so finding peace in the gaps must be what matters most.<\/p>\n CEO of Kic<\/a> Laura Henshaw<\/a> knows this feeling all too well, and has most-recently been bravely vocal in her own personal debate as to whether to have children one day. It\u2019s been so refreshing to hear someone speak up on a deeply personal conundrum that society says should have a definitive answer. I wanted to know Henshaw\u2019s take on milestone anxiety, and whether it affected someone as objectively successful as herself.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m not diminishing the power of our ambitions or the magnitude of hope, I\u2019m just suggesting the \u201cI\u2019ve made it\u201d goalpost is always going to keep moving, so finding peace in the gaps must be what matters most.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u201cBy chasing society\u2019s definition of success, we\u2019re often setting ourselves up for failure or disappointment, as it disables us from tuning into the path that truly feels right for us, losing sight of what we genuinely desire. When it comes to the end of our lives, your promotion, or the age you got married (or didn\u2019t), or whether you were renting or owning a home won\u2019t<\/em> be in your eulogy,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen you think about our biggest milestones, most of them are just fleeting moments in time. Yes, you might feel fulfillment or joy in the moment, but then it wears off and you move straight onto the next thing (like needing a bigger house for example).\u201d<\/p>\n If our benchmark for happiness keeps moving, we\u2019re never going to experience sustainable contentment. There is no flag-on-the-moon moment that declares our victory in the Game of Life. Maybe it\u2019s better to focus on the root causes of our anxieties, rather than always yearning for more.<\/p>\n Arielle Thomas<\/a> (host of Process<\/a> podcast and founder of Remy<\/a>) is in her early 30s and recently decided to freeze her eggs. While reflecting on her own experience grappling with milestone anxiety, Thomas has had the same epiphanies as me, albeit different worries.<\/p>\n \u201cI realised recently that the milestone anxiety was paired with expectations. The expectations that I had for myself, when I day dreamed about life as a teenager, what my loved ones expect of me and what milestones my own friends are moving through. The only measure is my happiness and gut feeling at this moment. I can set goals and make plans for the future, but I tell myself they’re fluid because inevitably, things change.\u201d<\/p>\n Our head noise is hard to control. Thomas and her friends share the \u201cwhiplash\u201d of being told women \u201ccan have it all.\u201d only to reach their 30s and see a reality that isn\u2019t so simple. She says detaching from expectations makes it more manageable.<\/p>\n